Life, Smiling, Physical Intelligence and Leadership
Why is it that when you take a country walk, complete strangers smile and greet you even if you don’t know each other? In the country there are fewer people per square mile by far, and the rule is smile and greet regardless; it would be rude not to!
In London and surrounds, even when it is daylight, there’s plenty of space, and no real threat, it is rare to share a smile as you walk past someone and on the occasions when I try, I often find my smile not returned. I find this fascinating. Maybe it is because we rush around, or are struggling, or we are an introverted personality type, or just absorbed in our own thoughts? Maybe we are following our basic animal drivers which say minimise risk, always fear attack? Are we desensitised to humanity when we share rooms, streets, offices with lots of human beings rather than just a few?
So lets think about what happens on a packed rush hour train. Suddenly there is no choice but to be in close physical proximity, we are packed so closely in that we cannot see the whole of each other, we have lost the critical distance to read danger signs, we are thrown together, trapped together, into enforced intimacy. Scared of catching swine or bird flu? Liking some smells and not others? Voyeurs into the lives and the man and wife team who huddle body to body more comfortably than the rest of us like they are still under the duvet. And what are the rest of us doing? Avoiding eye contact, trying not to get breathed on; the term ‘self preservation’ comes to mind?
How come the more space we share the more we avoid connecting with each other? Its the old reptilian brain again putting up our animal defenses isn’t it? The funny thing is that lack of connection is false. We watch each other and sense each other so acutely whether near or far apart. We absorb masses of information about each other everyday. We are curious, yet pretend to be taking no notice of each other. Here’s a true story.
One evening in a train carriage a group of unconnected individuals travelling home were pretending to ignore each other as usual. A 30 something woman with her parents was on the phone to a restaurant they had just eaten in. She was trying to track down the guy at the next table who she had immediately fallen for. Feeling shy, she had paid and left without getting his phone number and regretted it – after all we believe in chance meetings and ‘happy ever after’ don’t we? We were all secretly routing for her as we heard the receptionist say that Mr X already left, and that she couldn’t possibly give his number out, then going to check with the manager, who decided after much deliberation that just this once, in the spirit of romance, it would be OK to give Mr X’s number out. The woman came off the phone and there was silence, she looked flushed and excited. “I’ll text him later” she said to her parents. After a few moments i couldn’t bear it. I leaned across and asked the 30 something if she would text me to let me know what happens. Suddenly the whole carriage erupted, ‘yes and me’ (an older woman), ‘me too’ (man in pin-stripe suit), ‘text him now’ (nun in the back row – only joking!), ‘are you on facebook I’ve got to know how this turns out’ (a young spotty man, early twenties). The volcanic eruption of energy was hilarious and revealling. Together eight complete strangers helped construct the text to Mr X there and then with everyone making an input about the best things to say, calling out, laughing, contradicting, and above all smiling! She pressed send, we held our breaths!
I’m not going to lie to you….it didn’t work out. They had two dates and put it down to the wine and the moment! The point is that I know about it to tell the tale. The point is that the connection between us eight rom com believers was already there. We were already hyper aware of each other before the phone call, and all it needed was a project to get us into a frenzy of collaboration! Motto, we are not as detached from each other as we think – I bet there are a few people you have ignored today, that you actually remember in vivid detail aren’t there? – Felt for, identified with etc?
Business Networking now is the complete contrast! Packed into a small bar area, busy connecting and connecting and connecting – the contract is to engage. Easier for extrovert types to deal with, nevertheless a necessary and healthy antidote to avoidance techniques of other day to day situations. Hmmmmmmm, …why not make the most out of 20 complete strangers crammed into the vestibule of Carraige D on the 8.13 from Twickenham to Waterloo!
Of course it is all about contracts of engagement. What then does that mean for our teams and particularly Senior Teams who have responsibilities to Employees and Stakeholders. How connected do we want them to be able to be to each other, to us? And Vice Versa, what do Boards want more of from Employees.
I want the boards of companies I work with to be able to break down barriers as they arise and really speak their minds to each other. I want them to be able to connect, look each other in the eye say what they think and feel for the greater good and the greater profit for us all. Likewise I want leaders to get closer, share power, notice, listen and care more about employees and stakeholders. Creating connectivity is what it is all about. Its what I am all about. All our connectivity comes through the decisions we make in dealing with each other in terms of how close we are, or how distant. I am not suggesting we need to cram ourselves into a small space to be near to each other, or to relentlessly eyeball each other. However we do all need to become more aware of our physical intelligence, use it to raise our awareness of each other and our acknowledgment of how connected we actually are.
